To Making It
by roomsbythesea
Summary: Exes, LDRs, and Subtlety: Richard Castle could learn a little bit about all three.    Late season 4.  Newly established relationship between Castle and Beckett.
1. The Old Haunt

_This is my first foray into Castle ff. Going into a new fandom is always a bit nerve-racking! Anyway, this is just a one-off-for-fun story that popped into my head and refused to leave. I'm still getting used to these characters' voices, but what better way to practice than a little scene or two. Fair warning, I really like Meredith's character. I don't think she's going to be winning any mother-of-the-year awards anytime soon, nor do I wish her to be any sort of competition for our lovely Kate. However, I love their history, their casual relationship we saw in season 1, and I have some ambition to explore that one of these days! That said, she appears here too. Anyway, hope you enjoy this one!_

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><p>Castle's left hand slides into his pocket to bring his vibrating phone into view. Checking the number, he gives his right a light squeeze, signifying to his partner that he's going to step away to take it. He cuts his eyes to her, watching her soft eyes and shy grin fight to stay on her friend across the booth. Fighting to keep up the pretense of listening to Lanie's story. He knows her attention has been on him since he retrieved his phone and he can feel her focus following his movements. As he slides his hand off of her thigh, he gives one last squeeze. Rubs his thumb back and forth quickly, reassuringly. Watches as her cheeks tint the slightest shade of pink.<p>

His heart swells with pride. Still somewhat amazed that he had convinced her to give them a shot. That her cheeks tint for his motions. That he's finally allowed to touch her in such an intimate way. Well, he concedes, as long as the touching is out of sight of their clueless friends.

Things are still so new between them. Two weeks in and the only people that have any knowledge whatsoever are his family.

They hadn't planned to tell them just yet. After a short discussion, they had decided to take things slowly. Keep things between them for a little while. A test run, she had called it. Time to get used to the new aspects of their relationship.

He knew she was still scared. She had said as much. It wasn't that he wasn't frightened as well - he definitely was. He knew that she held a power to break his heart that few before her had. Despite this, Richard Castle was nothing if not confident. He knew, given the chance, he could prove to her that they were ready for this step. Over the course of their so-far short relationship, he was pretty sure she was starting to agree.

Things had been going all too well - surviving their first fight, (he was too clingy and she needed just a little bit of space), remaining professional and appropriate at the station, (he had surprised her by being impressively mature about the whole "everyone at the precinct doesn't need to know we've seen each other naked" thing), and, well, the whole seeing each other naked thing. That aspect had been mind-blowing. Being partners for close to four years had really proven to be an asset in the bedroom. (In sync and all that.)

It had been two nights ago when Alexis had caught him giving her a, thankfully, fairly innocent goodnight kiss at his door.

Kate had come over for dinner after they had wrapped up a case. After a short discussion, done impressively through nothing but their eyes and a few hidden nods, he had conceded to see her tomorrow at the station. Alexis had started in on the dishes with a playful warning to her father that he would have dish duty the following night, while Castle had insisted on walking Kate out. To help retrieve her jacket, he had said.

After helping her into said jacket, he had pulled her lapels bringing her closer to him. She'd said, "Thank you for dinner, Castle." She'd used that soft tone he had come to know all too well. Flirty and happy. It made him feel much of the same.

He'd grinned pulling her farther into him, wrapping his arms around her back, pulling their lower bodies together but chests apart for the sake of speaking. "My pleasure, Detective. I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Don't forget my coffee." She teased.

He leaned in, brushing his lips against hers gently. "As if. I do value my life, you know."

She teased his lips with her words. "And what a lovely life it is."

He pulled her closer, effectively squeezing her tighter into his embrace. "Certainly been looking up these past few weeks, that's for sure." He kissed her grin then. Just as she had gone in for more, they had heard a none-too-subtle clearing of a throat.

Kate had jumped out of his embrace with impressive speed. "Alexis, hi."

He had been seemingly un-phased, turning towards her with a smile. "Hey, Sweetheart."

"Sorry guys, I was just - " She hesitated and a slow smile crossed her face. Deciding to drop the pretense, she forged ahead. "Grams was right!"

He had just smiled and shrugged innocently. "Right about what?"

"Dad!"

He smiled, pulling a pink-faced Kate to his side by her hand. "It's true, Alexis. We need to start collecting goats. She's a keeper." He winked as Kate smacked his shoulder. He turned back to Alexis, happiness coming off of him in waves. So much so that Kate seemed to contract the same inability to wipe the grin off her own face.

Alexis rolled her eyes and lunged into her dad with a hug. "Finally! I'm so happy for you, Dad."

He had turned a warm smile to Kate then, her face an adorable mixture of embarrassment and relief, pulling his arm around her shoulder and dropping a kiss to her head. "I'm pretty happy too, Sweetie."

And his mother, well she claimed to know all along. Something about his bedroom being locked more frequently than usual. Frankly, he shivered at the thought of his mother coming into his bedroom while he was sleeping at all and vowed to lock it every night from now on. Different discussion for a different day.

The Old Haunt is loud this time of night so as he makes his way to the outside, he pulls one hand up to his ear to block out the noise. "Alexis?"

"I'm so sorry, Dad."

His heart drops to his feet. "What happened? Are you okay?" He picks up his pace, pushing through the doors quickly, the noise fading in the background. He glances back, catching Kate's eyes. Needing that connection in case the forthcoming news would shatter him. It must show on his face because her eyes worry between him and the friends in front of her. Debating on following him out.

"Yes. I'm fine. Sorry, it's nothing like that. I'm going out with Ash tonight and well, Mom's in town."

He sighs relieved, throwing a small smile to Kate, watching as she almost imperceptibly sags in relief as well. Then watches as she reluctantly turns back to the conversation at the table, keeping up pretenses. "Meredith? When'd she get in? I didn't know she was visiting this weekend."

"I didn't either. She surprised me tonight. It was good to see her, you know?"

He smiles. "I'm glad."

"I talked to her about Stanford and college in general. She insisted on taking me out to dinner. Wanted to hear all about the other prospects and discuss my LDR. It was fun."

"LDR?"

"Long-distance relationship."

He gasps jokingly. "Do not take relationship advice from that woman."

She laughs. "It was good, Dad. I promise."

"Good. So what's this about an apology?"

"I, er, well, Ash is in town this weekend and we wanted to spend some time together, and I know it's crappy timing with Mom in town too, but to be fair I didn't know she was coming in and-"

He cuts her off. "Slow down. Breathe. Your mother will understand."

She sighs. "I know. And she did. That's not the problem."

"Well, what's the problem?"

"She's coming there."

"Here?"

"The Old Haunt. There. She's in a cab as we speak."

"Wha-" His mind starts racing. _Crap._

"I'm sorry, Dad."

He sighs. "It's okay. It'll be okay."

"She wanted to, 'see the bar and catch up with your friends'. Probably would have been nice if she told you, but I didn't know what to tell her."

"Not your job, Sweets. She's always had a problem with boundaries."

"You think she'll behave? I don't want her messing up things with-"

"Nonsense. Don't worry about it." He takes a deep breath, glancing inside. He sees Kate watching him with concern, less conspicuously than he knows she'd like. He gives her a reassuring smile. "Kate knows how she is. She'll come, she'll see, she'll leave. No damage done. Don't worry about it. I'll handle it."

"I'm sorry. I just didn't know if you'd want me to tell her - I should have just lied when she asked where you were."

"I don't want you to ever feel like you have to lie to your mother for my sake, you know that Alexis."

She sighs. "Excruciating circumstances?"

"This is not one of those. No harm done. You go and have a good night with Ashley and don't worry about us."

"Thanks, Dad. I love you."

"I love you too. And Alexis?"

"Yeah?"

He winces. "Don't have _too_ much fun please."

She laughs. "Goodnight, Dad. I'll see you in the morning."

He smiles. "See you in the morning, Pumpkin."

He hangs up and immediately dials Meredith's number. When it goes straight to voicemail, he growls. "Shit."

Sliding his phone back into his pocket, he eyes the streets wearily. Each cab passing a possible suspect. When none stop, he straightens, relived that he has time to warn the others. _Kate._ He steels himself and heads back inside.

His eyes meet hers immediately and he gives her a grimace. She looks a little concerned and he tries to reassure her with his eyes. He glances to the others and realizes that any attempts to ease her mind will have to be subtle.

As he slides back in the booth, he notices the conversation has ceased and all eyes have turned to him.

"Everything okay?" Kate asks.

He winces. "There's a small situation." He creeps his hand back to Kate's thigh, squeezing, hoping she reads his apology. "We're about to have an uninvited guest I'm afraid."

He feels Kate go still beside him. Holding her breath, he assumes. He doesn't make her wait long. "Meredith came into town to spend some time with Alexis." He pauses and gauges the tables reactions, spending an extra second on Kate's face. She is steeled with a poker face he wouldn't want to go up against in one of his high-stakes games. "Seems she wants to check out the bar. Cornered Alexis into the whereabouts." He grimaces and squeezes her once more underneath the table. "I'm sorry guys."

"Ah." Kevin leans into Jenny. "That's his deep-fried Twinkie."

Before Esposito can chime in as well, Castle cuts them all off. "No. No Twinkies. Alexis' mother. Unpredictable and inconsiderate ex-wife. Descriptors start and end there."

Kevin and Esposito raise their eyebrows at each other at his defensiveness. He notices Lanie taking stock of the still-silent Kate beside him.

He jumps into action and turns to face her himself, pulling up a recognizable grin. "Wanna pretend to be my girlfriend?"

She smirks and rolls her eyes. His heart lightens a bit. "In your dreams, Castle."

He glances around the table, glint in his eye. "Wanna make a run for it?"

"Richard!"

"Shit. Too late. Save yourselves!" He squeezes one last time. Serious again. "Again, I'm sorry guys."

"Why do you keep apologizing? This is gonna be fun watching you squirm." Lanie says with a smile.

He groans.

"Richard!" The familiar voice rings out again.

"Pardon me." He sighs and stands. "Meredith, what a surprise."

"Alexis said you were here. I just had to come and see this place for myself. This is the writing bar you bought? Doesn't seem like you can get much writing done in such low light."

He raises his eyebrows, lips thin, annoyance skirting his features. "Always so practical." He steers her away from the table towards the bar. "Let's get you a drink, hm?"

"You don't even have waiters? I mean really, Richard."

Once out of earshot he lays into her. "What the hell are you doing here, Meredith?"

She frowns. "I thought you'd be happy to see me." Goes to grab his jacket, in for a kiss, but he swiftly moves from her reach. "What on earth? Why are you so jumpy?"

"I didn't even know you were in town and you just barge in here, catching us totally off guard-"

"What on earth did _I _do? I've been here for 2 seconds."

He sighs. "Look Mere, it's just really bad timing. What if I was on a date? You can't just show up places."

"You aren't on a date! Alexis said the whole group was here. I checked first."

He leans against the bar, raising a hand. The bartender scurries towards him quickly. "What would you like Mr. Castle?"

Meredith smiles at the handsome bartender. "Well, you certainly have a great staff here."

Rick rolls his eyes. "Meredith, drink?"

"Vodka tonic with a lime. Can't do sugar tonight, I'm up for a new role next week." She winks at the bartender.

Rick smirks annoyed. "Great. That's settled. Can you just not-"

"Embarrass you?"

He sinks into the bar. "Yes. No stories. Absolutely _nothing_ sexual."

Meredith eyes the table again, recognition dawning. "You're sleeping with her."

"No! Well, yes. But no. It's more than that."

"Oh, look at you all flustered."

"Not exactly a night to remember. Ex-wife showing up and all."

"Rick." He brings his eyes up to hers. "I'll be good. One drink and I'll leave."

He sags in relief. "Thank you."

"How long?"

"New. Very new. Fragile."

"Hmm." She looks back to the table again.

Rick straightens. "Ah-ah-ah. Stop that. Not so obvious!"

Her eyes widen giddily. "A secret?"

He nods tiredly. Hand running down his face. "Please, Meredith. You're a reasonable woman. Don't make this more uncomfortable for her than it already is. I beg you."

"She's very pretty."

"Very."

"Hmm." She studies him and he rolls his eyes. The drink appears in front of her. "Shall we?"

"I'm begging you-" He pleads again.

She points to herself. "Actress remember?" He grimaces. "Oh, have a little faith. Let's go."

He rolls his head back to his shoulders, popping his neck. Searches out for Kate's eyes. She seems to be laughing at something Lanie has said. He sort of hopes it's at his expense. He deserves it a little. He's got her attention though. She flicks her eyes up towards them as they start to walk back to the table. His eyes pleading. Hers seem thankfully soft. Unworried. He hopes she's right.

Always the gentleman, he pulls a chair up for Meredith. "Jenny, Lanie, this Meredith, Alexis' mother." He gestures around the table. "This is Jenny, Kevin's wife. And you remember Kevin, Javier, and this is Lanie, our resident medical examiner extraordinaire." Lanie lights up at the praise. Meredith looks a bit put off but hides it well. She's never enjoyed the whole blood and guts aspect of his stories. "And you remember Kate, my partner."

Meredith eyes Kate a little longer than he would have liked, but Kate just smiles politely. "Nice to see you again, Meredith."

"And you, Kate." He blanches as Meredith winks at her. He calms a bit when no one seems to notice and quickly slides into the booth, leg pressed against Kate's. His hand lingers between them. He almost sighs in relief when he feel her fingers curl around his.

"Very nice to see you all. Thank you for having me despite my dropping in unannounced." She has the grace to smile a bit ruefully.

Jenny leans in excited. "So Kevin tells me you're an actress out in LA."

Meredith looks falsely humbled. "Oh, well, I certainly try my hand at it here and there."

"That's so fascinating! I always wanted to be an actress," Jenny awes.

"What do you do?" Castle watches on with baited breath. His ex-wife is being surprisingly well-behaved.

"Oh, I'm a school teacher."

Meredith grins and raises her drink. "Ah, much more noble of a profession."

Jenny smiles and Kevin wraps his arm around her proudly.

"Well, thank you. I definitely enjoy it."

Everyone takes a sip from their drink as the conversation dwindles. Rick squeezes Kate's hand.

"So what are we celebrating tonight?" Meredith asks with a smile.

"No occasion really," Rick answers. "Just a rare Friday night we aren't on call."

She raises her eyebrows. "Look at you, 'being on call'. Sounds suspiciously professional, Richard."

Rick shifts uncomfortably. Grins sheepishly. "Ah, well these guys aren't on call. I just follow their lead."

Esposito smirks. "Beckett's lead really."

Kevin chuckles and she shoots them both an evil-eye.

Meredith grins knowingly.

Kate relaxes a bit and bumps her shoulder against his teasingly. "He's fairly easy once you train him."

Meredith laughs out loud then. "Don't I know it."

Castle pouts as the table laughs, this time definitely at his expense. He looks between Kate and Meredith, secretly pleased they seem to be getting along.

"So I hear you talked to Alexis about her 'LDR'." Rick says to Meredith with raised eyebrows, a little desperate to change the subject.

Lanie grimaces. "Oh, those are the worst."

"What the hell is a LDR?" Esposito asks.

"That's what I said," Castle laughs. "Long distance relationship. Her and Ashley. With him at Stanford things have been, well, a little rough for her."

Jenny frowns sympathetically. "Poor thing. My cousin and her husband spent three years in one of those."

"Sounds like it turned out okay though, right?"

Jenny nods and smiles. "Married fours years now. They are a true testament to my belief that if it's meant to be, things will work out, despite the hurdles and hard times. Now they're expecting kid number two in May."

Castle gives a look of appreciation. "I'll have to tell Alexis. Give her a little hope."

Meredith smirks. "She's not had the best examples of success in that department. Richard and I were in a long-distance relationship once."

"Mere-"

"What? Oh Rick really, it's not like it's a secret we were married once." She chastises him and then leans in to the rest of the table. "I got a role in Los Angeles. And, well, there's no taking Richard out of New York."

Castle shifts uncomfortably. Focuses on Kate's hand in his. Bites his lip to keep himself from interjecting _his _version into the conversation.

"It worked for a few months," Meredith continues. "But LDRs are really difficult. Especially for people like us-"

Castle clears his throat as a warning. Meredith smirks and rolls her eyes continuing. "Big social lives. Jobs that required us to mingle."

Castle sighs, resigned. "Long story short, Alexis was too young to even remember, so hopefully we didn't scar her outlook too much. Besides, last I heard, they've been doing great, so I'm optimistic."

"Guys in college right? I don't know Castle -" Esposito says, leading. "I remember my first year of college." He goes off somewhere pleasant then, only to be abruptly brought back when Lanie smacks him with the back of her hand. He corrects with an innocent smile. "Distant memory."

Jenny chimes in. "I think it's cute. I know lots of high school sweethearts that made it."

"I agree." Kevin chimes in with a smile, pulling his wife closer.

"Of course you do, Honey-milk," Esposito faux-whispers into his drink. Castle laughs and raises his eyebrow to a pink-faced Kevin.

Kate rolls her eyes with a smile. "Besides, Ashley is a good kid. Studious. You don't exactly go to Stanford for the keg parties."

"That's what I said. Besides, I think it'd be great for her to come to California more often. Purely selfish reasons there though." Meredith smiles. "Told her they could come stay with me for a weekend."

"Separate rooms," Castle adds, serious.

Everyone seems to laugh at that. Castle grimaces.

"Oh really, Richard. So over-protective sometimes. I am her mother, you know."

He groans. "That's what scares me."

She smirks, shaking her head at the insinuation.

Castle smiles, feeling a little victorious at his jab. "Well personally, I think they've got a good shot. I'm not sure if that's just wishful thinking on my part but at the moment, I don't want to analyze." He raises his glass in his left hand with a secret smile. Squeezing his right meaningfully. "To making it."

"I'll cheers to that," Lanie says with a grin, eyeing Kate's pink cheeks.

Everyone lifts their glasses. "Cheers!"

Castle dares a glance in Kate's direction and gives a small wink. She rolls her eyes a little with a wide smile.

"Well I must say Richard, they sure know how to pour a drink around here. I can see why you like it. However, I'm afraid I'm going to have to say goodnight."

"Leaving so soon?" Jenny asks earnestly.

"Oh, I'm sure she's exhausted. You just flew in tonight?" He gives her a significant look.

She smirks. "Yes. I'm actually quite exhausted really. But I couldn't come into town without seeing this bar Richard kept going on about." Meredith finishes her drink and sets the glass down on the table. "Now I'm going to go get that handsome bartender of yours to call me a cab." She winks at Rick and he rolls his eyes, un-phased. "I'll see you back at the loft."

Castle nods, relieved. "See you, Meredith."

She nods to the rest of the table. "Nice to see you all again."

They respond in kind as she heads to the bar. A weight lifts from his shoulders as he watches her go. He takes a sip of his drink as he takes stock of how his body finally relieves itself a bit of the tight stress. Too wound up. Somewhat surprised they had come out unscathed. That Kate still sits beside him holding his hand tightly.

Lanie speaks up first. "So, your ex-wife is staying at the loft?" He can't help but notice she keeps glancing in Kate's direction.

It definitely hits a nerve and his grin falters. He responds a little defensively. "No. Alexis' mother is." Lanie holds her hands up in silent surrender. Esposito raises his eyebrows. He feels Kate squeeze his hand. Rubs her thumb across the bridge of his. It's comforting. He grimaces apologetically. "Alexis hardly gets to see her mother as is. The loft has a guest room that she uses. Allows them to spend more time together." He sighs. "Sorry."

Lanie shakes her head and glances to Kate with a concerned frown.

Castle takes a quick drink, looking to break the tension. "Anyone up for pool? Darts?"

Jenny and Kevin look at each other in agreement. Kevin pulls out his wallet. "Actually, hate to say it, but we need to be heading out. Jenny's parents are in town and we have an early breakfast with them in the morning." He starts to pull a few bills from his wallet.

Castle reaches his hand out in a stopping motion. "Tonight's on me, guys."

Kevin hesitates.

"Least I can do. Unexpected guest and all." He motions his head towards the door as Meredith leaves with a wave.

Jenny shrugs. "Well, I liked her. It's really a shame you two didn't work out."

All heads turn towards her then. She sinks a little, feeling a bit chastised by the traitorous accusations on their faces.

"Oh-kay." She says slowly. "I must be missing something."

Kevin jumps in with a secret smile. "No, not missing anything, Sweetie." He nods to Castle with an embarrassed grin, putting his wallet away. "Thanks man."

Castle raises his eyebrows as Lanie, Esposito, and Ryan exchange subtle glances. He feels Kate shift to his right. He glances at Lanie, who is grinning knowingly at Kate. Esposito nudges her, trying to hide his own smile.

Kate releases his hand abruptly and he hears her breathing change as if she's realizing something. Rick watches confused as she brushes her hair from her face self-consciously. Slanting her eyes in a familiar detective gaze as she takes in the three friends barely holding in their glee. She shakes her head disbelieving, lips pursed in a smile. "How long have you guys known?"

Castle starts, realizing the implication. He turns towards her quickly. He hears laughter from the three in his peripheral. She meets his eyes for a second, returning them to her friends with a blush on her face. "They know, Castle."

He frowns. "What? How-"

"Know what, Sweetie?" Lanie asks all-too innocently behind her smile.

Kate rolls her eyes. Kevin and Esposito fist bump silently beside each other.

Kate shakes her head. "You're really going to make us say it then?"

Jenny is genuinely confused. "Say what?"

Castle's own smile starts to appear. Kate looks at him again, conversing with her eyes. Castle nods towards their friends, raising his eyebrow.

Kate lets out a breath. "Fine." She elbows Castle's arm, motioning to him without further touching or even a glance in his direction. Castle smirks at her shyness. She hesitates, finding the right words. She spits them out quickly. "We're together. Happy?"

Lanie's face fills with feigned shock. Esposito and Ryan grin happily at her, proud almost. Castle figures they were probably the ones to actually crack this case.

"Wow. I did not see that coming." Jenny awes, genuinely shocked.

Castle laughs. "Me either."

Lanie smiles at her friend. Eyes filled with questions. Kate reads what she's willing to answer. "Two weeks."

"Fifteen days actually." Castle's arm reaches out to put his hand back on place on Kate's thigh. Lanie notices and raises her eyebrows. To Kate's credit, she doesn't move away.

"How'd you guys know?" Kate asks in disbelief.

Kevin points between himself and Esposito proudly. "Detectives." Esposito nods, now eyeing Castle with a hint of warning. Castle bristles under his gaze and Kate grins as she catches it.

"And I'm just that good," Lanie adds proudly.

"We were going to tell you guys once it became official," Kate explains, exasperated by her friends' unspoken questions.

"It's not official?" Lanie raises her eyebrows.

Kate narrows her eyes under the scrutiny. Castle jumps in. "We're taking things slow." He gasps as Kate elbows his side, signifying him to stop talking. "Ow."

"Girl, we got some talking to do." Her eyes cut to Castle. An unspoken warning. "On that note, we'll be heading out too."

Kate shakes her head. "I can't believe you guys figured it out."

They all shrug. Jenny speaks up. "In all fairness, I didn't."

"My first clue was that your hands have been suspiciously under the table since Meredith came in." Lanie pointedly looks towards them.

At this, Kate grimaces and watches as Castle guiltily pulls his hand up to the table.

"And that toast. Sweet, Castle." Lanie smirks with a wink.

Esposito nods to Castle. "And he's not exactly a hard-read. You should have seen his face when Meredith winked at you."

"It's true. You really need to work on your subtlety dude." Kevin chimes in.

Castle smirks at them sarcastically. "Thanks guys." He turns to Kate. "Sorry babe."

"Castle!" She shrieks embarrassed.

Castle looks genuinely confused at the four smiling faces across from him. "What did I do now?"

Lanie smiles. "Now that's just adorable."

Kate glowers. "Weren't you guys leaving?"

Kevin and Esposito tuck in their grins. Lanie does no such thing. "Look at those cheeks all pink."

"Isn't it adorable?" Castle smiles proudly.

The look darkens. Lanie raises her hands. "Okay, okay. We're leaving." The four stand up to leave, all smiles. Lanie turns back to Kate with a finger pointed at her. "I'm calling you tomorrow."

Kate tries to hide her grin under slanted eyes. Sighs resignedly. "I'd expect nothing less."

"See you two later!" Kevin wraps his arm across Jenny's shoulders.

Jenny smiles at them. "Congratulations you two."

Castle grins widely and Kate gives a polite smile.

Esposito wraps his arm around Lanie and nods to them as the four exit the bar.

Kate relaxes as they leave. Leans into him, resting her head on his shoulder. Takes a deep breath. "So, they know."

He raises his hand up to her hair, brushing through it gently. "Sorry about that." He grins. "They seemed happy about it at least."

"Of course they did. They've been rooting on this for a long time now."

Castle raises his eyebrows surprised. "Really?"

"Oh come on, Castle. Of course they have."

"You know," he starts, tucking her hair behind her ear. "I have too."

Kate burrows into his shoulder further, resting her hand on his leg. He can feel her cheeks tighten and knows she's smiling. "Oh have you now?" She asks innocently.

"Um, hm." He affirms with a smile of his own.

She raises her head to peck him on the mouth quickly. "You know, sometimes you're really sweet, Castle."

"Sometimes?" He feigns insult and she grins back into his shoulder.

He softens a little then. "Sorry about tonight. Meredith showing up."

She shrugs. "Could have been worse I suppose. I think you were more freaked than I was."

He smiles. "You handled it well. I know it was an awkward situation."

"Eh, she's Alexis' mom. She'll be around. I can deal. She's really not _that_ bad."

He scoffs. "She was miraculously on her best behavior tonight." He sighs. "Is it okay that she's staying at the loft? I mean, if it makes you uncomfortable at all-"

"Believe it or not Castle, I trust you."

He grins widely. He had genuinely hoped that was the case, but the confirmation tightens his chest with happiness to the brim. "Yeah?"

She squeezes his leg affectionately. "Yeah. Besides, I was kinda hoping you'd come to my place tonight." He grins in her hair. "You know, to give Alexis and Meredith some quality mother, daughter time of course."

"Oh, of course. Very thoughtful of you, Detective." He pulls her closer, throat filling up with things he wishes he could say. Instead, he kisses the top of her head silently. "You ready?"

She raises her head tiredly, finding his hand and clasping it in hers. "Yeah." She smiles at him affectionately. "Let's go."


	2. Family Dinner

_Continuing from where we left off – this begins my exploration of Rick and Meredith's past. (No flashbacks, don't worry.) More like their past as seen through the eyes of Kate. Well, kind of. This thing really got long so I broke it into two parts. Hopefully I'll have part 2 up soon! Thanks so much to those of you who reviewed my first chapter! I loved hearing what you thought of my version of Meredith and it definitely inspired me to keep going in this 'verse._

_As always - thanks for reading.  
><em>

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><p>It's not that she doesn't like the woman - no, it's not that. Kate watches as Meredith and Alexis talk heads down in the kitchen. Alexis laughs and Kate's inner turmoil grows.<p>

She's always been pleasant, yes that's a good word for her: _pleasant._ She's never exactly been nasty to Kate, never sickly sweet either. So really, it's not that she doesn't like her.

She just can't place the gnawing distaste growing in her stomach. Something about how the woman in the kitchen is just so comfortable here. How she had reached easily into a cabinet and grabbed a glass, filling it with water, without a seconds hesitation. Did she live her once? Maybe this is where they started their family. Where Rick had carried her over the threshold and Alexis had learned to walk. Was that table where they had family dinners – husband and wife and child happily laughing about their day? The warmth of family - this family, this man - making breakfasts and joking and carrying Alexis around on his back jovially. It tugs at her uncomfortably.

And maybe the cups had always been to the right of the sink, stacked neatly and precise. Maybe this is exactly how she had left them behind. Alexis, who welcomes her with open arms. Rick, who once did as well – long after their divorce.

And maybe that's it. Maybe it's the odd disconnect that rubs at her. The broken family that has the ability to pick up right where they left off so easily. This woman who somehow wanted _more_ than this family could provide her. _More_ than what Kate's been trying to recapture her entire life. This woman who left all of that warmth behind, gets second, third, and fourth chances, without fight or apology. Able to leave time and time again to return to her _more_. And the daughter who seemingly holds no ill-will towards her mother. A true testament to the man beside her, she's sure.

Meredith laughs then – loudly and in a way only an actor could. Demanding the attention of the room. She sees Alexis leaning into the laughter. Wrapping herself around it.

Of course it's awkward being here now. It definitely wasn't a position her or Castle had knowingly situated themselves in. Castle had assured her that Meredith was long gone – flight in the air before they even left the precinct. Of course, sitting here now, Meredith barely in her peripheral vision, eyes on Martha, and a very twitchy Castle to her left, it's clear that had not been the case at all.

They had walked into the loft and immediately Alexis and Meredith had come bounding down the stairs, talking loudly and without abandon. Rick had stopped short right in front on her and went for her hand or waist or elbow, she wasn't sure, but he'd missed and found her wrist awkwardly squeezing tight.

"Meredith, I thought your flight had left."

Alexis had turned swiftly with a smile at her Dad's voice, faltering slightly when seeing Kate.

"Kate!" It was somewhere between surprise and embarrassment.

Kate lifted her hand in a wave with a smile.

Of course it was Meredith who wasn't phased in the least. "Oh, I switched to a later flight so Alexis and I could spend a few more hours together." Meredith's eyes had flicked to Kate quickly then and back to Rick with a smile. "And don't be silly. I wouldn't leave without saying goodbye to you too, Richard." She pulled Alexis to the kitchen then, Alexis's face twisting into something of discomfort and apology. Her mother oblivious and proud as always.

She had felt his hand slipping down into hers then. Turning towards her with an anger pulling at his features. Apology lining his words. "Let's just go out for dinner."

"Oh, don't be silly." It was Martha who swept in then, relief and compassion etched across her face. Leaning in for a hug quickly. Quietly explaining. "She's on her way out very soon, thank goodness. Let us all not suffer for this-" Her eyes had darted to the kitchen quickly. "Misfortune."

Kate suppressed a smile then. Martha continued loudly. "Kate, how lovely! So glad you came to join us for dinner. It's always so great to have you around."

The implication clear enough for Kate to raise her eyebrows, blushing. But her smile is quick to appear, warmly and sincere. "Thank you, Martha."

"Mother-" Castle started quietly.

But pride is a funny thing – and leaving with their tails between their legs was absolutely out of the question. Kate wasn't someone who let a little thing like an ex-wife get to her. Even the appearance of jealously or of being threatened, both of which Kate was decidedly _not_, a person like Meredith would pounce on happily, arming the woman with even more confidence than she already carries around – and clearly her cup already runneth over in that department.

So she had interrupted Castle, with a squeeze to his hand. "Thank you for having me, Martha. I hear the Castle taco night is not to be missed."

Martha had just absolutely beamed then. Raising eyebrows to her son with pride, clearly happy with Kate's decision. She had wrapped her arm around Kate and directed her to the couch. She heard Castle follow a few seconds later.

And since then, Martha had been doing a marvelous job of attempting to distract Kate from the scene in the kitchen. Filling them with stories from her day – the opening of her theater growing closer and closer, and all the commotion that lies within.

And Kate has smiled and nodded at all the right places but the words seem to be slipping by her as she has finally admitted to herself that the situation fills her with unease. Castle has complimented her poker face enough times that she's hopeful it's living up to his praise.

She can see what appears to be the beginnings of a goodbye between mother and daughter and the edges of her worrying stomach begin to soften.

The buzzer sounds and Castle's up and off the couch before it even ceases.

"That will be me," Meredith announces, arm across Alexis's shoulders.

"Yes?" Castle asks through the speaker.

"Your car has arrived, Sir."

"Thanks, Henry. Meredith will be right down." He goes for the door, none-too-reluctant to see her go.

"Oh, I hope Henry remembered to load my bags this time."

Martha shoots Kate an irritated look. Kate hides her smile, secretly pleased Martha shares in her annoyance.

"I'm sure he did, Meredith." Rick recites, chiding. "Now we wouldn't want you to miss your flight."

Martha smiles, raising her eyebrows almost wickedly. "We certainly wouldn't want that," she says, rising from the couch. Kate stands as well, taking Martha's lead and staying by the couch, unsure about how the goodbye's will progress. Uncomfortable in her role here.

"Thank you for coming, Mom." Alexis hugs Meredith tightly. "I had a lot of fun."

"My offer for the weekend in Los Angeles still stands."

"I'll talk to Ashley about it and call you."

With one last hug, Meredith turns towards Martha and Kate. "Martha, always a pleasure."

"You too, Dear."

The falseness in both of their words rings so loud Kate has to fight to keep her face neutral.

"And Kate, nice to see you again as well."

"Same to you, Meredith."

"Take care of our boy here." She nods to Rick.

He groans in disapproval and she feels Martha's hand sweep quickly across her back. She plasters a tight smile on her face, uncomfortable.

"Mom," Alexis groans and the moment passes without further incident. For that, Kate is thankful.

Meredith smiles and makes a bit of scene, smacking Alexis's cheek with a kiss. "I'll see you soon my sweet."

It's the first Kate has seen between the mother and daughter that really pulls at her heart. Makes her uneasy with the intimate scene in front of her. As if she's a voyeur to this family living in an alternate universe. Meredith curling Alexis's hair behind her ear, palm landing on the girl's cheek. The first time she's seen a true sheen in Meredith's eyes that plays on the compassionate side of her heart. The first sign of emotion that says perhaps, despite her need for _more_, that she truly does love and miss her daughter. That these partings do break a little something inside of her. Of course, it's a choice she made long ago, and the rational side of Kate's brain points that out repeatedly: _a__ choice,__ a__ choice_. No one to blame but herself.

Meredith tears herself away from Alexis and surprisingly, Kate can see the moment she pulls her mask back into place. Returning to the Meredith she knows - the one who can smile and laugh even as she walks out the door without a care in the world. As Meredith walks towards Rick, he looks to Kate then, and her eyes strong again meet his, exchanging a small look of understanding. With a smile, Meredith wraps him in a friendly hug, him returning it briefly.

And it hits Kate then that Meredith and her boyfriend – the guy who she's dating – her, Rick, will always have a bond she can not contend with. The red-headed girl Kate has started to feel an emotional connection with, if for no other reason that the fact that Alexis is so much of who Rick is. She's not a possessive person but she finds jealousy flaring within her. It rolls around in her stomach uncomfortably as she goes to great lengths to avoid eye contact with the man in question.

He breaks the hug almost as quick as it began and Meredith turns in the doorway, eyes back on her daughter. "Until next time." She winks at Alexis.

"Bye, Mom."

In a way only Meredith could do, she bids them all adieu with a nod and is off with flourish. Rick closes the door behind her.

Kate's worrying stomach lightens a bit when he smiles.

"Always such a shame to see her go," Martha says dryly.

"Grandma."

"Mother."

The replies come with smiles and Martha grins innocently, shrugging to Kate. "What?"

Kate tries to bury her smile, but fails, shaking her head.

Rick rubs his hands together, happy to finally be relieved of his burden. "And then there were four." Throws a small wink in Kate's direction. Her chest tightens inexplicably. "Tacos?"

* * *

><p>They fix their tacos buffet style. Alexis and Martha go through the line first, "oo"-ing and "aw"-ing over the ingredients Castle has laid out. She's amazed at the variety. Shredded beef, turkey, chicken. Tomatoes, avocados, four types of cheeses, three salsas, and - is that <em>chocolate<em>?

"Chocolate, Castle? Really?"

"It's Mole, Kate!" Alexis speaks up proudly. "Dad's is the best."

He grins at her. "Don't tell me you've never had Mole before."

He sets his plate on the counter and pulls his right hand behind her, latching on to her waistband. Cold knuckles grazing her skin. He scoots his plate along the edge of the counter, piling toppings onto his plate one-handed.

"The best, huh? I guess I'll have to try it then."

"It's a little sweet, but not cavity inducing. Has a good kick to it. But delicious." He lowers his voice, smirking. "Kinda like you really." His forefinger sweeps out drawing lines on her skin.

She smiles and shakes her head. Goosebumps rising in the path of his finger.

"When I was in Mexico, you know all they put on their tacos was meat and cilantro? Sometimes a little salsa. They'd think all this was an abomination." Martha says, slathering the Mole on the top of her tacos. "But I must agree. Richard's Mole is certainly the best I've had."

He pulls her along with his hand still on her back. It's almost possessive the way the tugs at her, keeping her side brushing against his. She'd usually protest, but being here, almost a replica of her earlier fantasies of this family, but now with her among them, it's enough to grant him a temporary pass on the behavior. Being in Meredith's presence had been enough to arise a bit of possessiveness of her own. She finds that she almost welcomes each bump of their hips, sweep of his finger. She turns her head and discreetly places a kiss on his shirted shoulder. He turns his head towards her and her stomach flips when he smiles widely – so sweetly – at her.

She'd never admit it to him, but it's that smile, the one that tugs at his cheeks just so, crinkles his eyes, it's one of the most seductive looks in his arsenal. If he only knew the things it does to her.

Then again, the way he's looking at her now, the familiar twinkle in his eyes, maybe he does.

He leans across his mother sweeping his finger through the dark chocolate substance.

"Dad! That's unsanitary."

"You've already gotten yours! And I promise my hands are clean." He smirks at his indignant daughter, pulling his finger to his mouth, cleaning it of the chocolate.

Before she knows what's happening, he's leaned over to her, his hand firm on her waistband to make escape nearly impossible and presses his lips to hers, pushing some chocolate through her lips with his tongue.

It's so quick, he's pulled away by the time she's able to sputter out a protest. "Castle!"

"Oh Richard, really. Don't embarrass the poor girl."

"Ew, Dad."

The chastising does nothing to diminish his smile. "What? It's only fair you have a sample first."

Her cheeks burn pink and she swipes at his arm, hiding her smile as best she can. "There are better, more appropriate ways I could have sampled." She lowers her voice. "Especially in front of your daughter."

Her voice is clearly not low enough when Alexis speaks up. "I agree!"

He just smiles proudly, chocolate smeared on the corner of his mouth.

Martha and Alexis are smiling broadly, despite their protests, and a familiar warmth fills her chest. She swipes her finger across the corner of his mouth with a playful glare. "You are such a child sometimes." She pulls the remnants of the chocolate into her mouth quickly.

"Good, huh?"

She shakes her head smiling broadly. "Yes, Castle. Very good."

His arm sneaks around her waist, hand on her bare hip. Hugging her tighter to his side.

"Dad, which cheese did I like last time?"

"Um, I think it was the Parmesan, second bowl from the left."

"Yum, Kate. You have to try the Parmesan with it too."

Castle playfully starts to lean over to the bowl, but Alexis smacks his hand away.

"Don't even think about it, Castle," Kate adds.

Martha laughs. "Seems you have two women to keep you in line now, Richard."

He groans with a smile, tugging her to the next bowls with him. "Don't I know it."

* * *

><p>He hasn't stopped touching her throughout dinner. His arm swept casually across the chair behind her. Fingers dancing on her shoulder. She notices he's always a little more touchy after a day at the precinct. Where they actively keep their distance. Today had been the first day back since the night at The Old Haunt. If she thought she'd been surprised with Castle's discretion, she was blown away by the boys and Lanie. All of which said nothing all day that would even hint to their relationship.<p>

Perhaps it was the presence of the new captain that curbed their behavior. Whatever the case, Kate's grateful. She's not sure what the rules are with detectives dating consultants, or civilian investigators, but she's not sure she's ready to find out just yet.

"So how was Meredith this trip?" Rick asks Alexis, as he laps up the leftover Mole from his plate with an abandoned tortilla.

"Good. You know Mom, tried to get me to shirk my studying last night for some-" She pulls her hand in the air making quote symbols with her fingers. "'Mother, daughter time'. Which, by the way, consisted of me reading lines with her and her shamelessly seeking out compliments."

"Sounds like Meredith," Rick says with a small grimace.

Kate watches his face in her peripheral vision. The subtle way he clenches his jaw, eyes dart to his mother and back to Alexis, it all gives her pause. She can see the small traces of frustration that he tries to hide from his daughter.

Whether or not she realizes it, Kate's not sure, but Alexis does her best to relieve his turmoil. "No, but it was good. Fine. She met Ashley."

He crooks a smile then. "Poor guy."

Alexis laughs and shakes her head at her father. "She insisted he call her Meredith. He was so uncomfortable with it. It was kinda funny to watch him squirm."

"One thing you can definitely say about the guy is that he's respectful," Rick points out, punctuating with is fork.

"She approves though. Said he was 'very good-looking'."

Martha rolls her eyes then. "God knows that's what's important to that woman."

Kate watches as Rick shoots a warning glance to his mother as Alexis takes a sip of her drink. Kate's impressed that Martha seems to immediately oblige and sits back in her chair a little.

"While she approves, she definitely, none-too-subtly, kept reminding me that there are other fish in the sea."

Rick sputters, pulling his arm from around Kate, coughing into his napkin.

Alexis plows on. "I mean, I know she's Mom, and she's not exactly the best go-to person for love advice, but she has a point. I mean, we're going to be in college – separate colleges. For at least four years. I think it's practical advice."

"Alexis, if you love him-"

"I know, Dad. Don't worry. I'm not going to break up with Ashley over something Mom told me. I just think it's something to think about."

"Alexis, your mother-" He sighs, collecting his thoughts. "Your mother looks at world differently than most people. If you start thinking about it too much, you'll start to pull away from him in an attempt to soften the blow that you're mother has convinced you is inevitable. It's self-sabotage, and I don't want you to do that to yourself."

Alexis thinks on that for a second and then, in a move that shocks her to the core, turns her thoughtful eyes to Kate. "You think we have a chance?"

Kate starts a little as all eyes turn towards her. She's burdened and honored all the same. She pulls a piece of her hair behind her ear. (Natalie Rhodes' voice in her ear that she's buying time. This time, she concedes, it's definitely true.) "Well just the other day, Jenny, Detective Ryan's fiancée was telling your dad and me about some of her friends that were high school sweethearts, went to different colleges, and made it. They're now married and expecting their second child."

Alexis smiles and Kate glances for approval from Rick. He's giving her a warm smile and she feels her cheeks pinken a little in return.

"I hope that's us one day. Sometimes it's just so hard, you know?"

Kate nods.

Martha leans forward. "It may not always be easy kiddo, but historically, love has always found ways to beat the odds."

"I really do love him."

"Then Sweetheart, you fight for that happy ending you want."

Alexis nods to her father and Kate feels his words resonate within her. It's a odd feeling, one she certainly isn't used to, but she suddenly has the urge to touch him. Connect a part of him to her. Her hand reaches out subtly and clasps onto his leg. His leg warm under her touch. His hand immediately joins hers and she turns her palm over, interlacing her fingers with his. She holds on tightly, but if he notices, he makes no indication of it. Resuming his almost-methodical wiping of the Mole from his plate.

Martha stretches. "Okay Kiddo." Eyes on her son. "What do you say you and I clean all this up?"

Rick nods and squeezes Kate's hand once before letting go and standing. He grabs the plate from in front of her.

"Why don't you and Alexis find a movie or something?"

"I can help," she protests.

He smiles. "We got this."

"Come on, Kate. Let them do it. We can stretch out on the couch and watch some TV."

She smiles. "Okay, if you insist. That sounds good."

As Martha takes her first load into the kitchen, Alexis stands happily, going around to her father and hugging him around his waist. Her head lies on his chest and Kate can't help but watch the scene. Her chest tight with emotion.

"Thanks, Dad."

He nods into her hair and places a kiss there. "Love you, Pumpkin."

As many times as she's witnessed it, him being a father never ceases to amaze her. This side of him has always been one of her favorites.

Alexis turns away from him with a grin, and heads into the living room.

Kate watches him watch her go and then he turns back to her. Almost solemn in his tenderness. He bends down, studying her face. Palm on her cheek. His eyes are soft and while usually she'd try to break from the moment with a joke or a smile, she finds herself transfixed under his gaze. Without a word, he leans in a kisses her gently on the mouth. Swiping her cheek with his thumb.

God, he makes her melt sometimes.

As Martha's whistles get closer, he stands, gathering the plates. Martha reaches the table with a lightness in her step. Smiles as her. Kate realizes she's sitting there almost dumbstruck and finally starts to move to join Alexis. Rick gathers the plates and bowls, giving her a small, brief smile as she stands. Martha's hand sweeps down the spine of her son's back with a smile.

This family. How much they say without a word. It astounds her. She turns and goes into the living room before she is caught staring.

* * *

><p>"I'm sorry about us surprising you today."<p>

Alexis is leaned against the corner of the couch with the remote in her hands. Kate can hear the clashing of dishes over the low television. She moves to sit on the other end of the couch.

"It's really okay, Alexis. No harm done." She smiles.

"She can't stand it you know?"

The intimacy of this conversation unnerves her. She can hardly change the subject so she stares it down. "What's that?"

"You and Dad. How happy he is. I love her, but why can't she just be happy for him?"

_Oh,_ _how__ to __answer __that __question?_ She bites down a grimace. "I'm not sure Alexis. It's hard sometimes, I guess."

She seems to accept that and nods, looking through the TV thoughtfully. "Sometimes I just want to tell her to leave him alone, you know?"

"I think you're Dad is okay. He can take it."

"Yeah, I know you're right. And he's different now. I don't know if you can see it, but he really is. It doesn't get to him like it used to." Alexis looks at her quickly, as if gaging her reaction. "Or, I mean, it gets to him more now, in the way it should. He doesn't like it. I can tell."

Kate just nods, unsure.

"Is it weird that I don't want them to get back together? I mean shouldn't their kid _want_ that?"

A fish floundering on the sand. Kate opens and closes her mouth a few times.

"I mean, I don't. I never did. Don't get me wrong, I love her, but I'm really happy he's with you."

Kate forces a smile then. Nods. "Thank you."

Alexis watches her and then starts. "I'm sorry. You don't want to hear about this."

Except she kind of does. Just not from Alexis. "It's really okay, Alexis. If it's something you wanna talk about, then you should probably talk about it."

"I just feel guilty sometimes. It's so stupid, I know."

"It's not stupid."

"Every time she comes, it's like I'm so happy that she gets to leave again. Does that make me an awful person?"

Kate smiles and the weird need for touching comes at her again. She's really been spending too much time with these Castles.

She pats Alexis leg at her calf. "You are _definitely_ not an awful person. I think it's absolutely normal to love someone but not always like them."

Alexis smiles then. "Dad says that all the time."

Kate crooks a grin then, hoping to lighten the mood. "Sometimes when we're investigating a case, your dad drives me crazy. I definitely don't always like him but I-" She catches herself and widens her eyes. _Oh__ crap. _She's suddenly hot under Alexis's gaze. The moment pricking her skin as she fights for the words to finish her sentence.

Her dumb tongue motionless in her mouth.

Alexis is looking at her with a wide smile and raised eyebrows. Kate darts her eyes around in a near panic. "Um-" she starts, but bless this child, she lets her off the hook.

"I know what you mean. Dad can be a handful." She smiles all too happily for Kate's liking, but it lets the moment pass, so she's thankful.

Kate's anxiety level is only reduced slightly so she rushes to leave this minefield. "What's on TV?"

Alexis smiles knowingly. "Trashy reality TV or a news show talking about trashy reality TV?"

"The first one."

Alexis grabs the remote. "As you wish."

* * *

><p>When Martha and Rick finish in the kitchen, they find Kate and Alexis immersed in the television.<p>

"Okay my dears, I am going out."

Alexis turns towards her grandmother. "Where are you off to tonight?"

Castle comes to stand behind the couch, leaning his hip against it. "Alexis, what did I teach you about don't ask, don't tell?"

Martha smiles. "Oh Richard, really. I'm just meeting a friend for a drink."

Alexis gives a smirk to his dad. "Have fun, Grandma."

"Yes, Mother. Please have fun. And don't do anything I would do."

She kisses his cheek, rolling her eyes. "I'm meeting my friend Anna. She going through a nasty divorce." Martha glances at Kate. "You'd think he was the parent in this relationship."

"Sometimes I wonder, Mother."

"Have a good night Grandma."

"I'll see you in the morning." She squeezes Kate's shoulder and leans down to kiss the top of Alexis's head.

When the door closes behind her, Rick sets his hands on Kate's shoulders, rubbing gently. "Whatcha watching?"

Kate feels Alexis's glance towards them and she almost wants to swipe away Castle's hands. The girl seems to be more appraising than usual, and it's no mystery to Kate as of why. At Alexis's smile, she once again finds herself fighting the blush creeping up her neck.

"I'm actually going to go upstairs. Ashley's supposed to call when he gets back to California." She moves off of the couch. "Thanks for coming to dinner, Kate." She grins knowingly. "And for the talk."

Kate smiles tightly, knowing no way that went over Castle's head. As proof, his hands stop moving. "No problem, Alexis. Anytime."

"What talk?" Castle almost whines.

"Goodnight, Dad." Alexis says with a smile.

As she makes her way up the stairs, his hands resume. "You're not going to tell me are you?"

She grins. "Not a chance, Castle."

He leans down and gently bites her ear. "Ouch. What was that for?"

He smiles against the side of her head. "Just checking if I'm dreaming."

She bites back a smile. Affixes a glare to her face. "I pretty sure you're supposed to pinch yourself."

"Aw, it was so much more fun my way."

"Come here, Castle."

He smiles and walks around the couch coming to stand in front of her.

"Come here," she says gently, brushing her foot against the back of his calf.

He puts his arms on either side of her leaning in. Face inches from hers.

She takes a meaty clasp of the skin on his arm and pinches.

"Ow!"

She clicks her tongue, accessing. "Nope. Not dreaming."

He shakes his head and grins. "I totally walked right into that one."

She nods, rubbing his arm gently, soothing it. She runs her hand up his arm and stops at his neck, pulling him down and closing the space between them. His mouth finding hers instantly. He draws her in - a deep kiss she feels to her toes.

He slowly pulls away, her body following for a short second before retreating back to resting against the couch. "I've wanted to do that all night."

"Mmm." She's embarrassingly without words. He's really good at that.

He laughs. His hand reaching up to gently stroke her cheek as her eyes focus on his face. "Thank you."

She just nods. Leans up and kisses him softly once more.

He presses his nose against hers. "I think we should play some poker."

She frowns. Not exactly what she was expecting. "Poker?"

He nods, kissing her again.

"Like strip poker?" She asks, eyes narrowed.

He laughs. "Not what I had in mind, but I could certainly be persuaded."

She's a little confused. "You wanna play poker?"

He nods, pushing some hair behind her ear. "Maybe talk?"

Oh. _Oh._ "Castle, it's fine. I'm fine. We don't need to."

"Maybe I kinda want to?"

She finds his eyes. Takes in the seriousness lining them. Finds herself nodding. "Okay then. Let's play some poker."


	3. All In

_First off – thanks for your patience for this update and I'm sorry it has taken so long. I had a lot I wanted to say in this one and couldn't settle on the best way to do it! Part of this is the inspiration that started this story from the beginning so I really just wanted it to be_ right. _And oh my, how it has just grown and grown and grown. I will probably add one-shots in this 'verse as inspiration strikes. Marked complete, but I suspect there will be updates here and there. Anyway, hope you enjoy! Thanks for reading and reviewing and alerting. Definitely inspires me to give you my best. :)_

* * *

><p>Three cards lie face-up on the table between them. The laughter and playfulness from dinner almost still echoes throughout the loft. Still resonates through her. It has hit her hard, how much she enjoys spending time with him – with his family. How easy being with him has been. Is now.<p>

This is what she's always heard about finding that other person you're meant to be with. Being with them is easy, fun, effortless. Never really believed it. Not until now. Knees pressed together, flirty smiles over a game of poker.

As Castle studies the cards in his hand, she watches him. The subtlety in his expressions. Eyes drifting across his hand and down to the cards in front of them. The corner of his right eye twitches. He's nervous. That she can see. Whether it's the impending talk or the fact that she has pushed a whopping four Hershey kisses into the middle - she's not sure.

God, this man convinced her to play poker for kisses. She's such a goner. She can't seem to stop smiling tonight and she's not sure when she'd gone so soft that the mere suggestion of playing poker for Hershey kisses didn't have her rolling her eyes at him.

It had been something building for a long time. Months, maybe years. All culminating into a kiss that had launched this – whatever they are doing now. Two weeks ago. Or almost three now. When she had leaned in and kissed him and he had been so shocked and in awe that she had felt his knees give way a little as he sighed a little against her mouth. Relief? Release? She knew now what the waiting had done to him. How he had almost succeeded in convincing himself it was never going to happen.

When he had pulled away slightly and looked in her eyes, she had seen such a vulnerability there. Something she'd rarely seen on this man until then. Her body had seemingly flooded with the fluttery butterflies from stories and songs and she had leaned back in for another touch of his lips. Some sort of gate had been opened and every nerve in her body had her grasping his shirt tightly between her fingers. She had moved her head slightly, overwhelmed and feeling so very adoring, brushed her lips over his cheek, to his jaw. Laying gentle kisses on his face – reassurance in the face of his vulnerability.

He had stood there, his mouth open and eyes in wonder as she leaned back enough to see them. She had smiled, pulling him closer to her, leaning her forehead on his cheek.

"Is that okay?" she had asked quietly.

He had hummed and she'd laughed at his wordlessness. And that had been their beginning.

The rest had been easy. He had made it that way. Designed his seduction full of escape routes in case she needed them. (She never did.) Watching him now, her fingertips tingling with desire to run her hands through his hair, down his cheek, to give him something warm and full of admiration, it almost pains her to think he had been so unsure. Is still so unsure. That he had been so anxious and full of self-doubt – unwilling to push her into something greater without her persistent acceptance and agreement. Not wanting to scare her away.

She had kissed him first and that's the way they both knew it had to be. If she really wants to wax poetic about it – she would say that it was one of her greatest accomplishments in this life. When her body was shaking with nerves and her mind nearly screaming for retreat, she had listened to the thumping heart in her chest, her father's words in her ear, leaned in despite the protests of nearly every thread of her mind, and had fallen into him. The way she had always dreamed of doing.

And he had caught her so comfortably. As if he knew exactly what she needed. Held her to no expectations - sometimes too understanding of her own psyche that she found herself telling him over and over again that she was ready. Or at least was ready to see if she was ready.

"What-cha thinking about?" His voice cuts through her thoughts.

She meets his eyes, coming out of it with a smile. His eyes peering over his cards at her.

"That night a few weeks ago. The dinner with my dad. After."

He beams then. "One of the best nights of my life."

She rolls her eyes, despite knowing that he most likely means every word of the sentiment. "Just glad I didn't chicken out."

He narrows his eyes. "You? Chicken out? Never."

"I came close. I was searching my car for something of yours in case I couldn't do it."

He smiles warmly. "I'm glad you couldn't find anything."

"Oh, I found something. You have made your presence very well known in my car." She gives him a playful glare.

He grins at the implication. Reaches over for her hand and she gives it to him, squeezing.

She knocks his knees with her own, smiling. "It's still your turn."

That night had been a moment brought on by nothing more than a late dinner with her father. For the first time in a long time, they had sat reminiscing about her mother, his wife - their family - with smiles and laughter replacing the tears and regrets that usually accompanied such moments. Seeing her Dad laugh about one thing or another that her mother had once said or done, had filled her heart with such lightness. He spoke without a trace of sadness lacing his words. His eyes were so bright. And wow - she never even knew how much she needed that.

Never even realized how much they could heal each other. Feeding off of each other's happiness instead of sorrow.

As they had exited the restaurant, her dad had spoken, a smile still lingering on his face. "I love you, Kate." He had raised his eyebrows then. "I love you in all your moods, but it's this one I like the best. You've been happy lately. Really, really happy."

As her father had aged, he had become more sentimental and open. It still surprised her, such a far cry from how she remembered him from growing up. Though she never doubted it, so much had gone unspoken then. She had ducked her head a little in embarrassment - a little in acknowledgment.

"I love you too, Dad."

He had smiled and nodded. Thoughtfulness behind his words. "I really like seeing you like this. I don't know if it's Rick or not but -"

"Dad," she cut him off with a blush.

"The funny thing about love is-"

"Dad," she'd said it firmer that time. Embarrassment coloring her features, betraying her stern words.

"Just let me finish, Katie."

She had sighed and crossed her arms over her chest. He had promptly taken his own hands to her elbows and pulled her arms down from the defensive position.

He started differently the second time. "With your mother, every moment I was lucky enough to have with her were some of the happiest times of my life. I wouldn't trade those moments – wouldn't regret meeting her or loving her – even knowing how it would end."

She had felt an ache deep inside then. Filling in the crevices the happy dinner had left her with. Not a sadness but an emptiness and longing. His honesty – his eyes revealing the truth of his words. The emotion hitting her square in her chest.

He continued. "I'm not sure I've ever told you this but I should have. A long time ago." He took a deep breath in preparation and Kate had fought the impulse to recross her arms in front of her. Kept her hands by her side, listening. Absorbing. "I don't have a single regret with your mother. Every tear and hardship I've faced since she's been gone, none of my sorrows would ever outweigh the joy I felt when I was with her. Falling in love with her is not something I could ever regret. We can only love as much as we can hurt, and sometimes that fear of pain can stop us from experiencing one of the greatest joys in life – true companionship."

Kate remembers wiping a tear from her face then. Remembers feeling something inside of her starting to change with his words. Lighten. Lift. Open.

"I want you to always remember that. Allowing yourself to love that much only happens when you open yourself up to hurt that much. But that openness will make you stronger than anything life can throw at you. And Katie, take it from your old man-" He grabs her hands squeezing. Catches her eyes meaningfully. "It's scary and uncomfortable sometimes – opening yourself up like that, allowing yourself to be that vulnerable – but it's all worth it. Every last tear."

When he had left she had stood for a long moment watching the direction in which his cab had gone. Arms hung loosely by her sides. Mind racing. She had pulled her phone from her purse quickly and with a newfound bravery. The urge overwhelmed her and she had pressed his name before she could talk herself out of it. She thought of her mother – her strong-willed mother who had always encouraged her daughter to have an open heart. Quickly dismissed imagining nineteen years without her as a balm to her currents aches. Inconceivable. Irrational. And yet -

"Beckett?" He had answered, confusion lining his words. "I thought you weren't on call tonight."

"I'm not." The reality of him on the other line hit her – nerves overwhelmed her words. "I just –" She faltered and then straightened - determined. "You left something in my car today. I'm in your neighborhood and was going to drop it by."

"Oh. Okay. I mean you don't have to go out of your way, I can get it tomorrow."

She pushed on bravely. "You'll want it tonight, I think."

"What is it?"

She had ignored the question. "I'll text you when I get there. Can you run down?"

He had been a little suspicious but thankfully didn't question her further. "Of course. Yeah. I'll run down."

God, she remembers his face when he walked out of his building that night. He approached her hesitantly, seemingly a little thrown by her leaning against her car with a wide smile.

Imagining it had been much easier than the reality, but she had pushed on.

"Hey," he had said questioningly. A nervous smile on his own face, most likely a response to hers.

"Hey," she had returned.

A long silence. Eyes darted off of each other. She had watched as his eyes took in the changed air between them. Hesitant. "You have something for me?"

She had taken a deep breath, nervous, and then nodded. The nodding quickly turned into a shaking of her head in the negative, an anxious smile on her face. "Ah, no. Not exactly."

He had tilted his head then, confused. "Is everything okay? Dinner with your dad go okay?"

"It went really well. Great actually"

"You're in a freakishly good mood. Should I be worried?"

She had flashed him a quick smile before the nerves took over and her teeth grabbed her lip. "Castle, I've been thinking." She had kinda reached out then, hesitantly grabbing the cuff of his sleeve.

His face had fallen slack then, and he licked his lips nervously. "Uh-huh?"

She'd run her thumb across the fabric. Eyes darting across his face, trying to read his reaction as he stared down to where she had captured him. "There's something I want to talk to you about, but I'm not sure how you're going to react."

His small step forward told her he didn't miss her quick glance to his lips. "Oh?"

"But I think it's a good thing. I think you'll be okay with it, I mean -" Her nerves betrayed her confidence then. "I mean, I _hope_ so."

"I think I'll be okay with it too."

God, he was nervous. She could tell. His words shook a little bit and it almost made it a little easier. Him as nervous as she was.

Her right hand still grasped his cuff, and her left slowly had risen, touching his chest. Almost in wonder. Smoothed his shirt. Touching him like this for the first time had overwhelmed her a bit. There hadn't been much pretense left at that point. She'd smoothed her hand across the buttons of his shirt slowly, pulling him the tiniest bit closer by his sleeve.

"Kate?"

She took a deep breath. "I think I wanna try this."

He'd swallowed hard. She watched as the words washed over him, slowly sinking in. Deep breath. Overwhelmed. "Oh."

Her nerves rattled ferociously again then. "I mean, I know it seems a little out of nowhere-"

"It doesn't," he had quickly inserted.

"And maybe it seems crazy-"

"Definitely not crazy."

"Do you -"

He cut in again quickly. "Yes. A lot actually, yes."

She had smiled. "You don't even know what I was going to say."

"I don't care. The answer is yes."

She nodded. Lowering her head quickly with a laugh, then back up, meeting his eyes. Nodding. Biting her smile nervously. "Okay then."

"Okay," he had agreed softly.

She took a deep breath and started to lean forward and then abruptly stopped. "What if - "

He had placed his hand over hers on his chest. "Oh no you don't. You don't get to start doubting this before I've even had a chance." It was said with a smile but the intensity in his eyes had told her the fear was very real.

She had pulled him a little closer and leaned up off of the car in a single tug. Stopping a few inches from his face. He was watching her closely. She met his eyes and finally pushed past her nerves and met his lips gently. Quickly. Testing. Leaned back, still holding him with both hands. Nervous grins.

His eyes burrowed into her. Intense. Intensely happy. And behind the pure glee, there had been awe and an emotion she was hesitant to put a name on. Whatever it was, it was more than enough to convince her to lean back in - to kiss him again.

"I call." He pushes four of his own kisses in, once again breaking her thoughts.

She looks at him, a wide smile on her face. He squeezes the hand he still holds, then adjusts. Lacing their fingers together.

He grimaces playfully. "Uh oh. Now I'm reconsidering. You are way too happy about that."

She laughs and cocks her eyebrow, allowing him to continue thinking her giddy smile is because of his bet and not her memories. "No take-backs."

He grins and flips the next card over. She wordlessly checks her hand a slides a kiss into the pot. She catches his eye with her movement and he beams at her.

It's such a illustration of their interactions really. On the surface, the change in their relationship is more physical than emotional. Though emotions are most definitely involved, have been for longer than their bodies, neither had yet to really speak about them. Their adoring came in the form of looks and caresses – not words and declarations. That is the one thread left, she guesses. The one thing that keeps them on this precipice.

She wants this. She wants it all with him. And she doesn't know whether to hate or welcome this silence that's keeping her tethered to this place they've fallen, somewhere in between lovers and everything. This test run that has turned into anything but.

It had been his idea. A month of _this - _whatever _this _was. After she had admitted it all to him, admitted her willingness in trying _them _out, and after their multiple kisses in the street, she had gotten back into her car. With him leaning against her window, elbows on the sill, grinning and features so soft, he had tucked her hair behind her ear. Such a simple thing really, but she felt truly happy in the moment. Adored.

"It'll be a test run. No pressure. None of the big stuff has to change. Don't go home and talk yourself out of this Kate."

"I wasn't going to."

He smiled. Leaned in and kissed her cheek. "We'll keep it simple."

"A test run, huh?"

"For a month, maybe? No one has to know. Just between us."

"I think that sounds good."

"It'll be great." He was positively beaming and she felt her heart lift.

"You've been thinking about this."

"Dreaming, really."

She smiled - rolled her eyes. Leaned in for one last kiss. "Goodnight, Castle."

He lingered, taking the moment in. "Goodnight, Detective."

He had been right. None of the big things really did change and for that she was grateful. But now, it was starting to feel more and more like something she couldn't put the brakes on even if she wanted to. What were they really? Lovers? Yes. Each other's constant? Absolutely. It was sounding suspiciously more and more like a relationship every moment. And she wasn't sure that she minded so much.

For all her happy memories and the warmth that she feels, the longer he puts off the talk he had spoken about earlier, the more her nerves grow. He's so far made no mention of anything outside of poker. Five hands in and not a significant word has been spoken. The silence begins to tug at her. Causes an unease that makes her weary to settle too comfortably into the happiness she feels. This night had all seemed too perfect – the cynic in her worries about the other shoe dropping.

With that thought, she can't put it off any longer and starts before she can stop herself. "So, what happened with her?" Staring down her fears – pushing the anxiety down, readying herself for whatever mystery may unravel with her words.

They're sitting side by side on the couch, bodies angled towards each other, cards tilted away, knees touching. She anxiously watches his eyes as they look up from his cards, brows furrowed. Worry creasing his eyes.

"Meredith?"

She's assumed that's what he had wanted to talk about but at his surprise, the confusion shows on her face. She attempts a recovery and feigns the level of interest that consumes her and glances back down at her cards, shrugging. "Yeah, I mean, we got the watered-down version from her Friday. What really happened?" she asks calmer than she feels. Inexplicably, the question makes her stomach churn and her chest tighten. Needing to know the answer but scared all the same.

"Ah, you know." He shrugs and almost imperceptibly shifts away from her. Knees knocking as he shifts.

She catches it. Feels the retreat. Backpedals, panic that she's pushed too far. "I'm just curious. It's not a- I mean, I just thought-" She shakes her head, frustrated at her inability to find the words. "You don't have to tell me, I'm just-"

"Curious?" he asks with a smirk.

She meets his eyes with a small smile, relieved. "Well, yeah."

He leans towards her, as if gauging the anxiousness that she's sure lines her face. He looks back at his cards and pushes two more kisses in. "Raise."

She lifts her eyebrows. Glancing at her cards she calls, pushing in the matching bet.

He smirks. "You really wanna know? It's not like-" He combs his hair back from his face nervously. "I don't know, too soon for this conversation?"

"I don't know..." she trails off and raises her eyes to his. Tries to fight the flight response his words inspire. Fights to allow herself to be vulnerable. "When you said you wanted to talk, I thought-"

"Ah. Well, I was thinking more about _us." _He brushes his hand through his hair again and gives her a significant look. Smile faltering ever-so-slightly. "But maybe this is good too." He shrugs. She notices the way his nerves start to crawl through his body. His legs shake a little, bouncing his hand up and down almost imperceptibly. His eyes dart between her and his cards. "The thing is, I want you." He says it with his eyes on his cards but at her silence he raises them to check her expression.

"You _want_ me?"

"Yes. I want _all_ of you. I want us to be official. I want to be exclusive. Boyfriend-girlfriend, all cards on the table." He smirks at his own pun. She smiles and he continues. "I want to know what I am to you. I know I said we'd go slow and I don't want to push, it's just- The expiration date on our test run is always at the back of my mind, and we're good right? I mean, we work."

She brushes his leg with her foot. "We definitely work."

He smiles. "I think so." He flips the next card over. Continues without even looking at his cards. The ramblings of a nervous man. "I know you weren't sure at first. Thought that maybe we'd drive each other crazy -"

She stops him there. "Rick."

"Yeah?"

"This is important to me. You are important to me."

That seems to hit him right where she intended. The closest she's come to disclosing her feelings for him vocally. A smile blooms on his face.

She hates that he hadn't known that before now. Had hoped that he understood as much. Her coming to dinner with his family. Spending so much time with him. Waking up next to him. He needs the words, she realizes. Of course he'd need the words. So she gives him a little more. "I'm in."

He looks between her and the cards on the table, unsure. "Poker or -"

The question makes her laugh. Makes her want to move closer to him. God, all night she's been picturing her future with him – their future. If he only knew. It makes her want to kiss him. Reassure him in a physical way that she's always depended on. The words never come easy. She ducks her head a little, smiles into her cards. "You. I want you. This." It's a start, she guesses.

He smiles. Ducks his own head to see her face. "Like, officially?"

She shakes her head on a laugh. Looks up at him. "Yes."

He nods, barely hiding his glee. "Okay then. Good."

She smiles, meeting his eyes. "Good."

"Check."

She tilts her head with a suspicious grin. He shrugs innocently, poker face back in place. She lifts her eyebrow. "Raise." She throws in two more kisses.

"Dear lord woman. You're trying to take me for all I'm worth over here."

"That's the idea, Castle." She smirks.

"Well now I'm pot-committed. Have to call, don't I?"

It's rhetorical so she just smirks, watching as he rakes his eyes over her face looking for a tell. When he drops his cards with his elbows on his knees, she tilts her head in confusion.

"We got married because she was pregnant." It startles her at first, but her brain catches up quickly. He's answering her earlier question. She sets her cards down and gives him her full attention. "We had only been dating for a few months, really. She was still a struggling actress and I had hit a nice stride with my books. I didn't want my kid to grow up without a father." The significant look he gives her reveals the unspoken, '_like me', _that they both think. "I wanted us to be a family - so I proposed." He shrugs as if it was as easy as that.

She smiles at the sentiment.

"We had an okay relationship at the time. We'd fly here and there – cities all over the world. It was easy. We never talked about anything too heavy. The relationship was built on, ah-" He pauses and meets her eyes, almost embarrassed. "The more physical side of things."

"Sex."

He laughs at her bluntness. "I had been burned by Kyra a couple of years before. I wasn't really looking for much else then, and neither was she. It worked out well until I started directing my affections towards another woman."

She frowns then, beginning to wonder how much she really wants to know.

He smiles. "Alexis. I proposed because I wanted us to be a family. I wanted Alexis to have a real family but it was doomed from the beginning. We weren't meant to be parents together. As soon as it was time to start making decisions, have real discussions, Meredith and I didn't agree on much. We would fight and disagree until I realized the only thing really holding us together was Alexis." He smiles in memory. "She wanted to get a nanny so we could continue with our lives as if nothing had changed – but I couldn't do it. At the end of the day, we wanted different things. Had different lifestyles."

"So you got a divorce?"

"Ah, no, not exactly. We went to couples therapy. Tried to make it work. We lived different lives for a while – she'd go out with her friends and I'd stay home. At the end of the day, she'd come home and it went on like that for a while." He smiles nervously at her. "She eventually got a job offer in LA and I couldn't convince her to stay. You can't really convince Meredith of anything."

"So she moved, and that's when you had a long distance relationship." She summarizes, putting the pieces together.

He nods. "It didn't exactly work out from there."

"What happened?"

"It was inevitable really. In hindsight, it makes perfect sense. Our relationship was built on something that is hard to do when you're three-thousand miles away." He smirks, self-deprecatingly. "We weren't happy but in my mind I thought that if she was doing what made her happy, it would make her a better mother. That, even though it was far from conventional, we could make it work. I just wasn't expecting someone else to come in the picture."

She quirks her eyebrow at him questioningly.

"No. No, I didn't cheat on her. She's Alexis' mother. I would never-" He meets her eyes bravely. "I get it. I mean, I didn't like it but it was who she was. Is. She's just one of those people who is never satisfied, always moving. It's in her blood. And then we were three-thousand miles from each other and I'm sitting here convincing myself that distance is nothing and we'd be fine and Alexis would be great. Between my writing and constant publicity events-" He reaches out and squeezes her hand. "I tried to visit as much as I could but with Alexis being so young, it was hard. And you know, Meredith was young then. Alone – lonely, I guess."

She looks on with sympathy. "She cheated on _you_."

He grimaces. "I was not the ideal husband for her. I mean, we hardly ever saw each other-"

She shakes her head disbelieving. Pushing down the anger that starts bubbling up inside her. "You were taking care of her daughter."

"I'm not excusing it. I mean, damn-it Kate, when it happened, it was-" He changes frowns and changes his course. "Meredith needs attention – a lot of attention. And things weren't great between us, you know?"

She arches her eyebrow, disapprovingly, almost scornfully. "Why are you justifying her behavior?"

"I'm not. I just admit it wasn't all her doing." He levels his gaze on her with a smirk. "My first mistake was marrying someone who was like my mother." She tries a smile. Eyes worrying with sympathy. He shakes his head, tries to ease the moment with a wry grin. "Actresses. Crazy. Every single one of them." He glances at the board and back at his cards. "Check."

It takes her a second to realize that he's still resuming the game. She sets down her cards with a look, high eyebrow and slanting her eyes in distaste. He sighs, following suit.

He sobers. "For a long time, I really wanted to hate her. For cheating on me, sure. But more-so, for not being the mother I thought Alexis deserved. And one day I kind of realized, had my father stuck around, I'm not so sure my mother would have been much better than Meredith in that respect. Somehow, in a weird twisted way, hating Meredith felt like I was somehow disrespecting my own mother's choices."

She's almost horrified at this revelation, reaching for him. Hands falling on his knees. "They aren't the same."

"Ah, but Kate, as much as I hate to admit it, that boy Freud was really on to something. My mother and Meredith have far too much in common than I'm comfortable admitting. Had my mother had the choice, I'm not so sure she wouldn't have left me with a capable, and dare I say handsome, father to pursue her Broadway dreams. And I don't think it would have been because she loved me any less. Just like I don't think Meredith loves Alexis any less. It's who they are. What they do. It's no place for a child."

"They made different choices. It's not the same situation."

He shrugs. "Well, no it wasn't. My mother didn't have that choice. But maybe it could have been. My mother never let me slow her down, that's for sure. She took me from theater to theater, nanny to nanny. If she'd had the choice, I could easily see the appeal of not having a child with you in those environments. Not to say I would ever make that choice myself, but it's the business they're in." Kate narrows her eyes taking it in, unconvinced. "I don't resent her for the childhood I had - I got a lot of who I am from those days. I did however vow my kids would be different. Then I turned around and married someone just like her."

She sighs. "Castle, it's just not the same. You can't compare a hypothetical situation with your real life."

"Maybe you're right. But, trust me, I hated Meredith plenty at first. You know, she didn't even tell me right away? One day, a courier came with one of those brown, official-looking folders. With the white ties that went across the four-sides. I thought it was something for the book I was working on and ripped into it and there it was. Divorce papers. No matter how bad our relationship was, it's not easy news to get unexpectedly."

She frowns. "I'm sure it's not."

"But at the end of the day, she had given me the greatest gift I could have ever received. For all she had put me through, I could never hate the mother of my child."

Kate shifts and he seems to recognize the look. Eyes on hers as she ponders this. Questions linger. He tilts his head in question.

"I don't get-" She shifts her eyes towards their hands nervously. "I just don't understand, how do you get from _there _to deep-fried Twinkie? How could you ever _be _with her again?"

"Ah."

She cringes. "I'm sorry. Is that too forward? I don't know the rules here."

He laughs. "Good. 'Cause I don't either." He places his hands on hers and quirks his eyebrow. "No, not too forward. Not too sure how much you want to know. I mean, she was familiar. She'd come to visit Alexis and we'd play house for a few days, and it was just so easy to fall back into how it had been when we were first married." He nudges his knee against hers. Frowns a bit. "And an ego is a terrible thing sometimes. It eased a little bit of the ache, still being wanted in that way. When you're cheated on, the initial shock is painful enough. But even when the pain fades, the heartache starts to recede, you still have this newly-revealed vulnerability: a wounded pride."

Her eyes take him in. Watches as he goes off somewhere else. More serious than she remembers seeing him. Her chest fills with a warmth. Love? An ache to ease his. She brings their clasped hands up to her mouth and kisses his, pulling them both down to her lap. Bringing him closer.

He smiles warmly at her. Squeezing her hand. "You know, everything I loved about her, ended up being exactly why she was terrible for me. She was such a free-spirit. A do-er. She wanted to live life on her terms." He rubs his thumb on hers gently. "She was having an affair. Apparently assumed I was too. Thought the divorce was an unspoken mutual agreement. In her words, 'Our time together eventually had to end, right?' Like marriage was this inevitable free-fall into heartbreak." He thinks on that for a minute. "Eh, maybe it is."

She looks up at him. "You don't really believe that do you?"

He grins, but it doesn't quite meet his eyes. "Remember, you're talking to the guy who's been divorced twice."

She shifts, growing a little weary. "If you really believe that, then why try again?" She starts, than hastily changing the implication. "Relationships, I mean."

He grins a little at her unease. His hand finding hers again. "I didn't. For a long, long time. Hell, even Gina was more of a business arrangement than any sort of martial bliss."

She eyes him skeptically. "Business arrangement?"

He shrugs. "I'd really hate to ruin my reputation but with you, I'll make an exception." He leans in with a faux-whisper. "My playboy days? Publicity mostly. Single father who spends Saturday nights changing diapers, not so hot for my 'image'."

She raises her eyebrow with a hint of disbelief. "Really?"

"_Mostly_ for publicity. I'm not claiming to be a saint. However to a publicist, anything less than scandal and illicit liaisons every night of the week, and I might as well be. When I got tired of the charade, Gina stepped up. Worked out for both of us really. I had an excuse to stay in more often with Alexis and she got to sell her own story. For all the bad things I've said about her, she's damn good at her job."

"Wait. So your second marriage was all a sham?"

"Not exactly. Our relationship started that way. The marriage, well, it was ill-conceived and impulsive, but there were feelings there."

"Hmm."

He grimaces. "This is too soon isn't it? A lot to take in-"

"No it's fine. Meredith's certainly not winning any awards in my book tonight but this all explains a lot."

"I really don't want you to hate her. It was a long time ago and I survived it all. And Alexis is great. Better than great. Wonderful."

"Thanks to you."

He smiles, but deftly deflects the compliment. "She's a good one. I'm not sure I could have messed her up if I tried."

She grins, moving her hand to his cheek, thumb brushing gently over his scruff. He leans into it. It feels almost maternal and she's overwhelmed with this feeling of protectiveness of him. Giving him the comfort he takes willingly.

"And somehow, it's all led me here. To you." He turns and quickly kisses her palm. "I can't imagine how our lives would be different had we stayed married. There's a chance we would still be together, I guess." He frowns. "That's a terrifying thought actually."

"You really would have stayed married to her?"

He shrugs. "I'd like to think I would have eventually wised up. Wanted more for myself. But if it made Alexis happy, then I would have done it."

"Children are smart. They know when their parents aren't happy. Whether they're together or not."

He smiles. "Well personally, I'm okay with how things turned out."

Her hand slips down his neck and she grabs his hand, squeezing in appreciation. "Me too. Although, I do hate that she did that to you."

"Ah, don't feel too sorry for me. I think that the world has more than made up for my misfortune. I got you and Alexis. I'm really a lucky, lucky man."

She smiles. "You're so sentimental sometimes," she teases with a blush.

His eyes roam her face with a soft smile. "So why am I trying again?"

She nods, feeling the tinge of nerves in her chest.

"In a word: you."

He has the ability to make her speechless. She always forgets until she's here. Gaping at him, words bouncing off her brain but none off her tongue.

"See now I've gone and scared you. I have a hard time reigning it in sometimes."

She shakes her head, recovering. "I don't want you to reign it in."

The look her levels on her makes her think maybe she does a little.

"The long version: I never planned to really. And then one day, this beautiful woman came into my life. Made me feel things I had worked really hard to never feel again. Kept me on my toes. Always a mystery." A warm smile crosses his face.

She grins. "This better be me."

"Oh, sorry. That was Celia the coffee-girl on Fourth." She narrow her eyes playfully. "You want your story. Okay, so this beautiful woman came into my life. Real bossy, like. Insisting I follow her around-"

She laughs then. "In your dreams, Castle."

He smiles. Catches her eyes and sobers. "I - I care about you, a lot." He grins, squeezing her hand.

She bites her lip at the words he's holding back. "I'm not going to run."

His face changes then. Serious. Too serious. "Please don't."

The words give her a physical reaction. She'd been so sure that his pacing had been for her benefit, she never considered that maybe it was also for his.

She drops his hand and maneuvers herself beside him and pulls him down with her, leaning back on the arm of the couch. Picks up his hand – traces the lines there silently.

She feels his eyes on her and goes with the words she knows he needs. "I care about you a lot, too."

His head comes down and rests against the side of hers, mouth by her ear, smile grazing her lobe. "Good."

She smiles and nods her agreement. "Good."

When he wraps his arm around her waist, nuzzling into her neck with small kisses, she feels it - the heart in her chest victorious. She's pot-committed. She's in.

And damn, it feel wonderful.

"So, I think I won."

He laughs against her - teeth grazing her jaw. She thinks her mom would be proud.


	4. Kissing Wounds

_This was definitely supposed to be a Kate and Lanie chapter but uh, well, it turned into this. This was one of those instances where the characters just kind of took over and went somewhere interesting so I just went with it! I really hope you enjoy this one. Small amount of non-fluff, hopefully balanced out appropriately by a heaping helping. I really have to say a thank you to Christie who really pushed me to make this what it is! You are the best and thanks for challenging me to make this right. It is far better for having your input! As always, thank you all so much for the reviews and alerts. I appreciate every single one! I'm leaving this complete just in case, but there will most likely be more. Thanks for reading and I'd love to know what you think!_

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><p>"Just so you know, I have two meetings in the morning with Black Pawn. I should be back by the afternoon if a case comes up."<p>

The steam from the shower clouds the room as Castle leans against the counter, methodically swiping the razor down his face.

A muffled voice comes from the shower. "What?"

He taps the razor on the side of the sink, the cream hitting the porcelain with a satisfying plop. He raises his voice a little. "Two meetings. In the morning."

"Gah. Can you just wait till I'm out? I can't hear you in here, Castle."

With a half-shaven face, he walks closer to the shower, leaning against the glass door. "I have two meetings in the morning but I'll be back in the afternoon."

"Well I'm having breakfast with Lanie anyway."

"Oh? What's the occasion?"

"We don't need an occasion. Just catching up. We haven't had much time to talk since you and I've gotten together." At his silence, she huffs. "Can we talk about this in a second? I'm almost done in here."

He raises his voice again, matching her tone. "Sure, okay."

He walks back to the sink and runs the water once more. Picking up the razor, he continues his task.

As promised, the shower shuts off a few seconds later and her voice cuts through the bathroom once more. "Can you hand me a towel?"

He moves to the linen closet mindlessly and grabs a towel returning to the shower. "So, do you girls talk really about _everything_?"

She laughs as he passes a towel to her outstretched hand and heads back to resume his shaving.

She exits the shower wiping her face and wrapping her hair up in it. "Hmm, we do talk about a lot." She passes him and snaps the waistband of his boxers.

He feigns hurt. "Ouch."

She smirks and grabs another towel from the closet and wraps her body in it. She teases him with a smile. "She's gonna want to know details."

He raises his eyebrows. "Details?"

She grins. "Oh yeah. Lots and lots of details."

He scoffs. "You're going to tell Lanie juicy details about our love life? I don't think so."

She opens her mouth in protest. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I just mean, I know you. You can tease me all you want but I know how private you are. There's no way you're going to openly share with her these 'juicy details' you speak of. That's much more my forte."

She smiles. "Oh, you'd be surprised Mr. Castle." She thinks on that for a minute and her grin drops. "Wait a second, you better not be giving people juicy details about our love life."

He laughs. "So what? You can do it but I'm not allowed?"

"I'm only talking about Lanie and we're women. It's what we do."

"Men do it too." He raises his eyebrows, knowing he's won before he even finishes his thought. He pauses to get a good look at her face as he continues, teasing. "Plus, it's only Ryan and Esposito."

She opens her mouth in protest, horror sweeping down her face. "Richard Castle – I swear to God if you-"

He laughs cutting her off. "Look at you. You're such a hypocrite."

She glares. She can deal with the name calling once she's cleared this up. "You're joking right? Please just say you're joking. Those two are like my brothers and that's just all sorts of wrong."

"It's bro-code, I can't say."

"_Bro-code_?" she says horrified. "Oh my god, you _have_ been talking to Esposito." She throws her face in her hands embarrassed.

"What, I can't say 'bro-code'? I'll have you know, I'm very hip."

"I hate to break it to you but if you have to tell people you're hip, you aren't. Sorry, Babe."

He drops the razor down from his face in disbelief. "You don't think I'm hip?"

"I think you are many things, but hip is not one of them."

He scoffs and meets her eyes in the mirror. "The boys thought I was pretty hip when I told them about that thing we did-"

Her smile drops. "Castle. Seriously. Tell me you're joking."

"You may see the boys as your brothers, but let me tell you, the feeling is definitely _not _mutual."

She grabs his ear and twists. "Oww-ow-ow! I'm joking, I'm joking. Geez, woman." She releases with satisfied smile. His hand comes up to rubs his ear, face distorted in pain. "That was just mean."

"Yeah well, you deserved it."

He rubs his ear some more. "Now my ear is going to be bright pink for my meetings tomorrow," he pouts. "I may be forced to report you for domestic abuse."

"You are such a baby. I barely even twisted it."

"Yeah well, it hurts."

"Do not talk about us with Ryan and Esposito."

"Message received. Trust me."

She walks up to examine his ear. He winces when she gently takes it, inspecting. "Oh relax. I'm just looking at it." She rubs her fingers down the outside gingerly. "It looks fine. You're being a drama-queen." His pout doesn't let up. She leans in and kisses his ear. "Better?"

He nods, frown slowly turning into a smile. He tries to play it up, pushing his lower lip into an exaggerated pout. "A little." He turns to her and she kisses his lips with a smirk.

"Baby." His smile grows broader. She rolls her eyes and turns towards the mirror, watching as he resumes his shaving. "I'll just tell Lanie enough to satisfy her curiosity. I'll keep the real juicy details between us."

"Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves here. I never objected to the details thing. You do your girl talk however you wish. If she wants details, then by all means, give the lady details." He swings his hip out to knock hers teasingly.

She shakes her head, grinning. "You're a pig."

"I just wish I had a tape recorder to hear all the salacious gossip myself."

"You've lived it. Why do you need to hear about it?"

"Somehow coming from your mouth makes it all the more sexy."

"Oh yeah? You like that?"

He goes off somewhere in his head, imagining. "Oh yeah."

She shakes her head, with narrow eyes. "You realize we're going to be talking about _you, _not me, right?"

"Not in my head."

She tries to goad him. "Endurance, size, frequency."

He nods. "I've got nothing to hide."

She grins evilly. "Comparison to past lovers."

He pauses - narrows his eyes. "Not loving that one."

She keeps going. "New lover's sexual history."

That stops him in his tracks. Oh, and the look on his face makes her want to take it back immediately.

The awkward silence in the bathroom stretches far too long for her heart rate to remain normal. She's not sure how to most effectively remove her foot from her mouth. She grasps his arm tightly like she's afraid he's going to walk out.

He twists his mouth and she can feel his muscles tensing in his arms. The words just fall from her mouth now, hoping one will stick and make the hurt on his face go away. "I'm sorry. I went too far. I wouldn't do that."

He tries to shrug it off. Shrug _her _off. "No, it's okay. It's no big deal. You can tell her what you want."

Except she can see clearly that it is a big deal, and it's on the tip of her tongue as to why but she can't place it. Her head races with possibilities. He's never been shy about his days as a playboy, so it can't be that. Which really only leaves – oh man, she's an idiot.

"Your marriage." It's out of her mouth before she can stop it. She grimaces as he pulls away from her.

Oh, he's angry, turning towards her grabbing the side of the counter for balance. He looks like she just punched him in the gut - all mad and hurt and damn, _vulnerable_. "You're going to talk to Lanie about my marriage? Why the hell would you do that?"

Uh, bingo. Panic swells in her chest. "No Castle, that's not what I meant. I was putting the pieces together. Figuring it out-"

"Interrogating me? Trying to figure out how to hurt me?" he ask incredulously. He wipes his face with a towel and slams it back onto the counter.

"No. Not at all. Damn-it Castle, I was just -"

"Joking? Jesus, Kate. Not funny. Really, really not funny."

"I wasn't joking. I was trying to figure out why the hell you got so serious on me."

He takes a deep breath a wipes his hand down his face, recovering. "Look, I'm really tired. Let's just go to bed."

She realizes she's still just wearing a towel and pulls it closer together. "No. I wanna talk about this."

"Well I don't. You figured it out. Found my achilles heel. There's nothing else to talk about."

She frowns. "I wasn't trying to do that."

His eyes flash and she takes a step back. "That's exactly what you were trying to do and I played right into it. Great work, Detective." The biting words leave her a little breathless as he stalks out of the bathroom.

She lowers her head, defeated. "Shit."

She drops the towel slowly, feeling pretty damn pathetic. Mainly because he's right, but she never thought it would - well, no she didn't think at all. That was the problem. She throws on a shirt, watching in the mirror as he gets into bed silently, turning his back to her side of the bed. She shakes her head at her own stupidity and squeezes her eyes shut in annoyance.

Of all the things to be insecure about, Richard Castle hangs onto the fact that he was cheated on fifteen years ago. It makes sense, she guesses. He truly is a romantic at heart and his wife, someone he took vows with, mother of his child, had cheated on him. Pretty nonchalantly too, by his accounts. So it's not totally a surprise that he reacted the way he did. Clearly this was something he didn't tell many people. She recalls the nervousness and anxiety in his eyes, his body, when he told her. How he tried to take some of the blame. Tried to shield her from the thoughts that maybe, he just wasn't enough.

Which of course is ridiculous. He is everything to her. More than enough. After two failed marriages, the man that exudes endless amounts of self-esteem, may just be a little more wounded than she's ever thought. And now she's gone and made him think she's going to use this information against him. It makes her heart sink just thinking about it. How callous he must think she is. Another look in the mirror and she's overcome with too many things she wants to say to him.

She turns on the water, finishing getting ready for sleep. Using the time to configure the words and emotions running through her. Figuring how to make things right with him - for him. Her eyes keep drifting back to him in the mirror and each time, she frowns, overcome with guilt.

Finally, she squares her shoulders and heads into the bedroom. He doesn't move from his position, but she knows he's not asleep. She gets into bed and turns towards his back.

She's not sure she's ever heard such silence in his bedroom. The uneasiness creeps into her heart and rests there painfully. She breaks the quiet softly. "You're right and I'm sorry." She sighs and places her palm flat against his back. "I was digging for a reaction from you and I just wasn't thinking." No reaction from him other than a shaky breath she can feel with her hand.

"For the record, I don't have, nor did I ever have, any intention of telling anyone about what happened in your marriage. I wouldn't do that. Girlfriend-code is way stronger than any other code there is when it comes to that stuff. That's between you and me, no matter what." She takes another breath, and basks in the lightness slowly overtaking her with each word.

"I don't want to hurt you. Ever. That's the last thing I want to do. I hope you know that. And if you don't, you should. I care about you a lot." Her chest feels light and the words come start coming up her throat giving her this insane feeling of euphoria and she can't stop them and doesn't want to. "I lo-"

He interrupts her suddenly. "Kate."

Her voice is small. Surprised. "Yeah?"

"Don't do that."

She's caught off-guard because she was so very close and the last thing she expected was for him to rip the rug from underneath her feet. Now she just wants to cry. Euphoria long forgotten. "Do what?"

"Say that to make things better. I'm sorry too. I overreacted. Let's just leave it at that."

Her cheeks flare in embarrassment. "Oh."

He takes a deep breath. "God, I'm sorry. Just don't."

Suddenly she feels so close to tears and so far from him. She removes her hand, unsure of how they got here. "Okay. You don't want me to, I won't."

She squeezes her eyes, holding everything back. Tears. Words. Assurances. She has no idea what to do next.

She rolls away from him, onto her back, and the breath she takes sounds like a sob and damn-it, she knows he heard that. Her cheeks flare even brighter, tears suddenly blurring her vision, and she sits up suddenly, throwing her legs over the edge of the bed, desperate to escape to the bathroom before they fall.

Her momentum is thwarted as she's pulled back suddenly and falls back to the bed hard.

"Castle, let me go."

"No."

She's lying flat on her back, eyes closed, and she feels the warm tracks of tears racing down both sides of her face to the pillow below. She's so embarrassed and raises her hands to try and cover her face. Finds one firmly enclosed in his and not going anywhere. Takes the other to cover her eyes childishly.

"This isn't fair," she lets out, horrified at the sob that comes with it.

And he's still so silent but she can feel his other hand coming up trying to gently pry hers away from her face.

"Please, just let me cry in peace. God, Castle. Leave me alone."

At this, she feels his hand fall away and his forehead fall to her arm, defeated. "I'm sorry," he mumbles. "God, I'm sorry. I don't want you to cry at all." He lets out a warm breath, lips finding the skin of her arm. Kissing where his mouth can reach. Words soft, trying to coax her down. "I don't want you to say it just to make me feel better. I didn't want to hear it like that."

"If you think that's what I was trying to do," she says, voice fighting for normalcy, "Then you don't know me at all." She tugs on her hand, still encased in his. "Please, just let me up. I need to go to the bathroom."

With the words, they both calm and he leaves one last kiss on her arm before releasing her hand. "I'm such an ass."

She's free to go, but doesn't move from the bed. Hand still covering her face, she sniffles and takes a deep breath. Feels him next to her.

When he sees she not moving, his hand goes up to her cheek, brushing away the drying tears. "This is terrible, Kate. Please look at me."

She lets out a shaky breath at the sound of his voice - so desperate. She has no choice but to oblige. She slowly lowers her hand, sweeping off as many tears as she can as she goes.

She finds her voice easier than she thought she'd be able to. "I'm sorry." He frowns but before he can say anything she continues. "I had this whole speech planned, but saying-" She stumbles on the word she's now pretty sure she's even more scarred from saying than before. (Surprised to find that's even possible.) This realization shows on his face as well and he looks like he wants to kick his own ass. She continues on quickly. "That - what I was going to say. It wasn't part of it. You're right, I shouldn't have brought it up now."

He groans. "No, I wasn't right. I was wrong. Very wrong. I'm an ass. I was feeling sorry for myself and hated to think that you were too."

"I shouldn't say it when I'm trying to get you un-mad at me." She replays the words and quickly follows up. "Which wasn't why I said it. I mean it -" She groans and covers her face again. "Nevermind."

He quickly responds. "I mean it too."

She laughs sadly. "This is pathetic. I'm so bad at this."

"I'm bad at it too."

She sighs. "I guess we can just be bad together."

He narrows his eyes with a smile. "Oh yeah, we can."

She lets out a laugh. A smile. His face lightens immediately, clearly happy to see it.

The negativity seems to leave the room almost as quickly as it had appeared. He leans beside her, resting his weight on his elbow, still sweeping at tears on her face that have long since vanished. Hand cradling her face gently. Too many apologies had already been thrown around for the night so they are both left without words. Studying each other silently. He brings his forehead down to rest on hers, leaning forward to give her a sweet kiss. Deep in both its physicality and the emotions behind it, she curls her hands into his shirt, body melding into his almost desperately. She gives as good as she gets, pulling him closer and opening herself up to him. She finds herself almost crying again by the force of it. He hums and she feels the vibration down to her toes. He slowly pulls back, going in once more, and then, once again. He finally leans back with a soft smile, playfully grabbing her lip one last time before completely disengaging their mouths.

She watches his face, her hand now mirroring his on her own face. Her thumb trailing along his smooth cheek. A moment passes between them and she eases into this new place they've traveled to. "She was an idiot, you know."

"Who?"

A true testament to how far this night had gotten away from them both. "Meredith."

He opens his mouth to object, but she slides her hand down to cover it before he can get a word out. "Just let me tell you all the ways in which you are so very wrong about what she did means."

His muffled voice comes from beneath her hand. "You don't have to."

"I want to." She slides her hand around to the side of his head, fingers sliding through his hair. "It wasn't your brain – you are one of the smartest men I know." Slides her hand down to his heart. "It wasn't your heart – you love so fully." His eyes soften at that. She slides her hand to his hip. "It wasn't physical – those past lovers we talked about earlier, none could hold a candle to you." He grins proudly, watching her with adoration. Underneath her eyelashes she gives one of her most flirtatious looks. "You're such a stud." She slides her hand around and gives his ass a quick squeeze.

He groans. "Woman."

She smiles. "And that's what I'm going to tell Lanie tomorrow. Mainly because it's true, but also because I can't wait to brag about what a great boyfriend you really are."

He grins and leans in, kissing her soundly on the mouth. "You really think I'm a stud?"

She laughs, stroking the side of his face. "Of course that's the part that sticks." He grins. "All I'm saying is that if she was unsatisfied with you, she would have been unsatisfied with anyone."

He smiles warmly and kisses her gently. "You didn't have to say all that but I do appreciate it."

She takes a deep breath, knowing there's one last thing she wants to add. Needs to add. "And I want you to know that I would never cheat on you."

His eyes raise to hers quickly. Smile slipping off his face. "I know, Kate. God, I never even thought that."

"Good."

"Of course I never thought that. That's not what this is about."

"I know, I just wanted to put it out there."

He pulls her into him, dropping a kiss to her forehead as she comes into his embrace.

She presses a kiss onto his neck. "I don't want you to ever have to worry about it."

"God, woman. You're going to kill me tonight."

She nips playfully at his neck. "I'll come over tomorrow after breakfast? Replay my conversation with Lanie for you. I hear you'd very much enjoy that."

He growls. "You going to tell me all the dirty little details?"

"Every last one. They'll even make _you_ blush."

"Tease."

She smiles. "I'll see you in the afternoon?"

"I'll be the one wearing the 'stud' tee shirt."

She laughs, fighting her heavy eyes.

"You sleepy?"

She nods. "It's been a long night."

"Yeah. Let's get some sleep then." He yawns and she laughs.

"Stay like this?" She's curled into his chest, legs intertwined. He's wrapped around her, over her, completely.

"Couldn't move me if you wanted to."

She hums her approval. "Good luck in your meetings tomorrow."

He presses a kiss to the top of her head and she can feel his chest expand below her. "I know I ruined it earlier but-" He pauses, hesitating, and then drops another kiss to her head. "I can't take it. I need to say this and-"

She interrupts him. "I love you, Castle." It comes out so easily that she's kind of amazed. Proud. Full of something that she's not really felt before.

He lets out a deep breath, pulling her tighter into his embrace. "I love you too, Kate."

She grins against him. "Goodnight."

He sighs happily and replies softly, "Goodnight."


End file.
